NEW YORK— Following his defeat to the revolutionary socialist forces of Zohran Mamdani, Andrew Cuomo has fled mainland New York for his stronghold of Staten Island, where he intends to setup a government-in-exile.
Assembling his Cuomintang forces on Whitehall Street before boarding the last ferry to Staten Island, Generalissimo Cuomo vowed to “recover the mainland,” assuring his followers that the retreat would merely be temporary. “We will protect our capitalist traditions and way of life until the inevitable collapse of Mandamania’s Islamo-Marxist regime, and one day lead New Yorkers back into prosperity.”
In the hold of Generalissimo Cuomo’s ferry is rumored to be a secret cargo of billionaires, refugees from the new communist regime, who will serve as the lucrative tax base for the Cuomintang rump state. Bearing exotic treasures and looted antiquities, the Cuomintang leadership have declared their intention to erect a new Metropolitan Museum on Todt Hill. “The Metropolitan Palace Museum will showcase true New Yorker culture,” claimed one billionaire philanthropist speaking under condition of anonymity.
“Only our conservative values can truly protect 5,000 years of capitalist culture and history.”
-Anonymous Billionaire
Signs of resentment are already brewing among the natives of Staten Island, who originally settled there under Dutch colonial rule, and have made the island their home for centuries after displacing the indigenous Lenape tribes. The Cuomintang ruling class have imported a foreign culture from Scarsdale and Long Island strange to the native islanders, who themselves speak a cant closer to that of their neighbors in the Kingdom of New Jersey.
Mainlander rulers have imposed their customs by force on the Islanders, and have wielded particular violence in mandating the use of a fork and knife to consume meals. Customarily, the natives use their hands to eat traditional dishes, consisting of “pizzas,” a kind of greasy flatbread imitating an Italian dish from the Generalissimo’s home province, favored by the Cuomintang elite, as well as the “hot dog,” which, despite its name contains no dog, although allegations have been made to the contrary.
Rumors of a purported massacre of Islanders protesting Cuomintang rule could not be independently confirmed at this time, but rampant garbage odors (even more than the usual noxious smells) have signaled potential signs of excavation at Fresh Kills Park, site of the former Fresh Kills Landfill. Asked about reports of protestors being rounded up and bused to the park in the middle of the night, the Generalissimo exploded at gathered reporters:
“How f#&*ing stupid do you think we would have to be… huh?! Killin’ a bunch of protestors in park literally called ‘fresh kills?’ Come on, the smart way to discretely kill 6,000 people is to send them into crowded nursing homes in the middle of a pandemic and then rewrite the state health report!”
-Generalissimo Andrew Cuomo
Ushered off stage by his brother and Aide-de-Camp Chris “Fredo” Cuomo, the younger Cuomo angrily responded to shouted questions of whether the Cuomintang regime was unleashing a reign of “White Terror” on Staten Island.
“I don’t understand how you can make this accusation,” the disgraced former CNN host barked. “First of all— Italians aren’t White! Second, the only terrorist here is Zoreman Marmarswami— if that is his real name— who personally flew an airliner into the North Tower.”
Across the strait, the Zohrani Soviet Caliphate has been established as the revolutionaries have consolidated power. Zohrani forces have subjugated the once powerful Governor Hochul, and begun purging remaining Cuomintang sympathizers on the mainland.
The warlord Curtis, feared leader of the Sliwa Clique, which controls the city’s strategic subway tunnels, has switched sides, proclaiming his support for Chairman Mamdani and pledging to rout any remaining Cuomintang sympathizers. Sources indicate his defection was driven by a failed assassination attempt by gangs of the same ethnicity as the Generalissimo. Mamdani has also offered full amnesty for Lord Sliwa and his family of 77 stray cats.
Chairman Mamdani has vowed to unify Staten island “by force if necessary,” despite prior support for Islander self-determination.
“We will crush the capitalist roaders supported by New Jersey imperialists. Nothing can stop the historical trend of New York reunification. There is but one New York City in the world and Staten Island has been part of it since ancient times.”
-Zohran K. Mamdani
Independent historians assert that the city only unified in the past century, and Staten Island has been ruled separately for centuries, first by indigenous tribes, then by Dutch colonizers. Even after it was conquered by New York forces in the late 19th Century, City Hall had only tenuous control of the lawless pirate backwater.
Despite an initial wave of amnesties, the Zohrani Soviet Caliphate has begun what some observers claim is a growing tendency towards authoritarianism. Kosher hot dogs have been outlawed, and a mandate has been issued requiring all food carts to serve only chicken over rice. Mild sauce has been prohibited, and is rumored now to be available only at speakeasies with connections to the Greeks, who have been run underground following a Yemeni seizure of the diner business. The regime has begun to enforce jalapeño consumption, mandating their addition on all breakfast sandwiches.
Scores of Cuomintang sympathizers have been “sent down” to tend the rice paddies of Central Park, which has been flooded to supply grain for new city-run commissaries. The paddies are being irrigated with ice melted from the city’s skating rinks, denounced as a “bourgeoisie excess” which must be eradicated.
The billionaire Bill Ackman was placed under house arrest last night in his penthouse located in the Former Financiers’ Concession of the Upper East Side. He has issued statement, possibly under duress, declaring support for the new authorities.
Speaking at a Midwood synagogue, Mamdani attempted to assuage the fears of Jewish New Yorkers concerned by the new regime. “The right of all minority nationalities to develop their own nationality and culture towards socialism shall be upheld,” the young revolutionary declared in an announcement proclaiming the formation of a Preparatory Committee for the Establishment of the Yiddish Autonomous Region.
An edict has declared all Yeshivas will be reorganized into “Minyan Xueyuan,” with learning supervised by socialist cadres. “It is essential that Talmudic study be consistent with the principles of socialism and Marxist-Leninism,” said Mordecai Goldberg, political commissar for the South Williamsburg No. 1 Minyan Xueyuan.
Rabbi Moshe Indig of the Satmar clan has been named as representative for the Hasidic Nationality to the Newyorkers’ People’s Congress (NPC), which has taken the place of the City Council, whose members have been interned under suspicion of harboring counterrevolutionary sympathies.
A revolutionary atmosphere has gripped the city; in the early hours of the morning a faction of Zohranista youth calling themselves “red guards” seized the Horace Mann School, denouncing “bourgeoisie education” and “revisionist thinking.” According to one youth, identifying himself only as “Comrade Lei,” the Bronx school will be reorganized into a public school for the children of nearby workers.
“Those bourgeoisie students found suitable for rehabilitation will be given the opportunity to reeducate. Those who are incapable of self-criticism will be subject to reform through labor and assigned to a relevant work unit.”
A new banner over Madison Square Garden proclaims the Knicks as “guardians of the revolution,” and new rules imposed on the stadium prohibit visiting teams from scoring three-pointers against the home team.
Chairman Mamdani has vowed to root out bourgeois elements through the “Five Aunties” campaign: middle-aged women of varying degrees of connection to the Mamdani lineage will be deployed throughout the city to carry out the campaign. Although tasked with enforcing adherence to socialist principles, local reports indicate that these aunties can mostly be found sipping chai and hectoring their nephews to settle down and get married.
Speaking at a recently established “people’s gymnasium” in the former Hudson Yards Equinox, Chairman Mamdani vowed to reconquer Staten Island, deriding the Generalissimo as “a pawn of the New Jersey imperialists.” Fulminating at length against the scourge of “New Jersey imperialism,” the Chairman displayed a map of New Jersey’s alleged expansionist plan, vowing to unleash a global revolution to counter New Jersey imperialism.
“Their Taylor Hams and Pork Rolls must be stopped. Such gruel is not only haram but bland and spiceless. We will globalize the empanada!”
Following his speech, Zohrani forces commenced shelling Hoboken, in an apparent aim of pressuring New Jersey’s rulers to withdraw their military backing for Generalissimo Cuomo.
Crowds of red guards seized with revolutionary fervor poured into the streets following the Chairman’s address, vowing to protect the city from New Jersey imperialism and Cuomintang saboteurs.
As the crowds reached 59th Street, thronging red guards pulled down the statue of Columbus, and the circle was proclaimed “People’s Square.” Asked by a reporter whether the circular roundabout would be repaved into a square to match its new name, one young partisan responded indignantly: “I don’t know what you are talking about,” said the young Caucasian youth, gasping through tears between bites of a jalapeño-filled breakfast roll, “if the Party declares a circle to be a square, then it is a square.”
With tensions rising across the region, fears are mounting in the Portuguese enclave of Newark that has long served as an entrepôt for trade between New York City and European ports. Refugees have begun pouring into the neighboring British Crown Colony of Elizabeth, beseeching the Crown for protection. The Cuomintang are attempting to forge an alliance with the British, offering to accept Prince Andrew in exile in exchange for an expeditionary naval force to counterattack the mainland, according to intercepted communications leaked by Zohranista sympathizers.
“As we know, both Andrews have a great deal in common, the Generalissimo is keen to keep a close eye on his fellow Andrew. Enigmas never age.”
Leaked Cuomintang Communication to the Court of St. James’s
Despite Generalissimo Cuomo’s official “Three Noes Policy,” insisting on no negotiation, no contact, and no compromise with the Communists, reports indicate backchannel talks are underway between the two sides. A senior Zohranista with knowledge of the unofficial negotiations spoke on condition of anonymity due to official denials of the existence of the talks.
According to the official, the Zohranistas are offering peaceful reunification under a “One City Two Systems” framework, allowing for a Staten Island Special Administrative Region which would function as a sort of capitalist laboratory and playground for billionaires as a free trade zone. Preliminary plans include luxury shopping malls, casinos, and yacht dealerships to attract capital from the world’s wealthy without harming the socialist nature of New York City.
At an emergency meeting of the United Nations Security Council, the international community urged the safeguarding of freedom of navigation of the Verrazzano strait, through which 90% of the world’s most advanced potato chips transit.
A statement of protest has been issued from the exiled Prince of Queens, now puppet ruler of Maralakuo, demanding to be restored to the throne.
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